What significance can a piece of clothing have? Let’s take one step back and think of this question in a broader sense. Can any inanimate object mean something to you? Its interesting how one particular object can be worthless; take it and throw it in the trash, while another one can be worth more than pure gold. Hoarders are the first group of people that pop into my head when I start thinking of giving meaning to possessions. They keep piles and piles of worthless items around for as long as they feel it necessary. Anyone else can look into their world and see a house filled with garbage but in their eyes these are thing they would never dare to throw out. It’s almost as if throwing something out would be like hacking off a piece of themselves and throwing it away. Now let’s take one step forward. I want to keep the idea of a worthless object but put significance inside it according to where it came from or from whom it came from.
Let’s say you have that pocket watch your grandmother gave you or that silver necklace your deceased brother gifted you. It becomes sentimental and often enough people would do anything to keep that item safe. There’s also all those objects and items you keep around for memorabilia. The very first rock concert ticket you kept, or a wristband of the time you ran a couple of miles for cancer awareness, or the seashell you kept from the time you went to the most beautiful beach you had ever been to. What about those items you consider lucky? A hat that you always whore as a kid because you believed it had magical powers. What about those pieces of clothing you wear that you could never bring yourself to throw out? My sweater for example was starting to get ripped up, filled with holes, and I still wanted to keep wearing it.
Usually these types of items bring positive and happy memories. Why else would you keep them around right? I also want to mention that not all objects carry positive energy. What about the objects you deem to have bad luck associated with it? I’m sure you’ve heard about a cursed item before. My mind just wanders off to the imaginary land of fiction, where you walk into an ancient Chinese shop where the shopkeeper tries to sell you a cursed item for a discount and you can’t help but buy it because it’s so cheap. Or that piece of pirate treasure that should never be touched because otherwise the dead pirate captain will rise from their grave and kill you for taking it.
Now I want to get to the point. As the title of this entry states, what I’m actually writing about is a jacket. It’s an ordinary jacket; it’s not cursed but it did give me a wave of good and bad memories. Well…mostly bad memories. This story is followed right after my 4th breakup with whom I’m calling Mara, the demon of seduction (Already written about in a four part series). I sorta felt my mind cracking during the relationship as well as during the breakup, but I still tried to hold onto her. So I proposed to her that we should become friends with benefits. We wound up kissing after the breakup and I also wound up fingering her in a public park. Things seemed to be going well again even though I knew I was trying to put myself into a fairy tale and my mind was creating a false fantasy. We talked about hanging out more often and playing it cool. At this point Halloween was coming and I still had memories of asking her if she wanted to do something on Halloween together. I didn’t think that was going to happen anymore but I did tell her about the costume I wanted to wear.
My goal was to be the pop singer Ke$ha which basically means I was going out in women’s clothing, a wig, and some jewelry. With this idea already floating around I also legitimately feared being cold on October 31st whilst dressing down in short shorts and a tank top. Mara proposed lending me her Jacket for the costume. I liked this idea because I already went through the trouble of buying all my clothes, I didn’t have to spend more money, and I didn’t have to resort to asking my mom for a jacket and explaining why I needed it. At this point in time the disastrous hurricane named Sandy hit New York and several other states. This ruined the plans I had with my friends since traveling became impossible and we planned to do it in New York City which was going through a major recovery process. Time flew by, during Sandys aftermath I even felt my relationship dying a second time. I am referring to my fairy tale friends with benefits relationship. At first Mara used Sandy as an excuse to not see me but afterwards she also started to use her new job as an excuse not to see me. Anyways she slowly drifted away from my life and my mind. I tried to jump back into the dating world and that’s where the rest of my blogs kicked in. A handful of times I would realize that I still had Maras jacket. It stuck around like a wound that was too stubborn to heal. Once in a while I would even feel a kick in my emotional state of being. At some point I put the jacket deep in my closet and it was easier to forget. But then, out of the blue, the memory of the jacket came back with a vengeance.
My friend’s birthday was coming up, his name is Chad and you can see him mentioned in Part 3 and 3-2 of the Mara: Demon of Seduction Series. Chad and his girlfriend are basically in the same circle of friends, so a handful of times I have hung out with him and Mara simultaneously. Knowing this, you can clearly see that I was incredibly worried of seeing my ex at the birthday party. I hoped that she would not show up but I pretty much knew she was going to be there, so I mentally prepared to see her. I knew I had to play it cool and make it seem like the breakup had no effect on me. My life should appear wonderful and I should show no interest in her. The day before the birthday party I was sitting at work, most likely browsing a website out of boredom. A Facebook message popped on my browser and I froze for a second realizing that Mara had just messaged me. I quickly remembered to breath and hated that familiar feeling that churned in my stomach. I tried to calm down and told my brain to pretend like it was no big deal. I wanted to think that I had forgotten about her and that I didn’t give a shit about what she was up to in her life, but I knew that was mostly a lie. She started the message off exactly as I am going to quote it (minus the name changes): “Hey pancakejunior, glad we’re both going to Chad’s birthday tomorrow. Can you do me a huge favor and bring my jacket with you? Thanks a bunch!”
Bitch, you have got to be fucking kidding me. Do I even get a “how’s it going” or a simple “hello”? NO! Where is the small talk? This just shows that she did not want to put ANY fucking effort into knowing how I was. She doesn’t even want to talk to me! And when’s the last time we talked? It’s been months since I had heard from her!It truly pissed me off. I wasn’t upset, I was outraged. The message was unexpected, completely disrespectful, and hurtful. Keep in mind she was the one that cheated on me, she was the one that broke up with me, she was the one that kept playing with my emotions, and now I have to deal with “doing her a FAVOR” and bringing her jacket back? No! Fuck no! If she had asked in any other way, if she had started the conversation pretending to be interested in how my life was or how my day was going, maybe I would consider giving her stupid jacket back. But the way she presented her sentence and the fact that it randomly came to me after months of no contact… No, she is NOT seeing that jacket. After internally screaming and trying to think of what to say and if I should respond at all, I finally cooled down and this is exactly how I replied: “Sorry, already burnt it.”
Mara: “The funny thing is, I’m not sure if you’re serious or not.”
Me: “Haha. I guess you’ll just have to wait and find out.”
Mara: “See you tomorrow”
Yeah, yeah, see you tomorrow cunt. I really had no idea what to do. Deep down inside, and I mean really deep down, the gentle and nice part of me was going to bring the jacket back to her. I mean think about it, why the hell did I even still have it in my house? Why didn’t I throw it out? There was still some part of me holding onto her whether I wanted to admit it or not. Going to the party and giving her the jacket would finally get rid of it. Good riddance, I would gladly like it out of my hands. But now I’m in a predicament. Giving the jacket back is no longer a means to an end; it no longer has anything to do with a kind gesture or the right thing to do. It comes down to principle and meeting these demands of returning the jacket to the devil would not do me any good. In a way I would feel manipulated, probably a similar kind of manipulation she might have pulled that lead me to fall for her in the past. My last thought led me to believe that if I did this for her I would be considered weak, something she actually sees me as already. I know she sees me as weak because when she broke up with me she told me the reason she did so was because I wasn’t dominant enough. So the decision to not return the jacket is made, right?
Wrong. I still had an internal struggle with myself. I started messaging some friends and got two opinions. One girl told me that Mara was a bitch and that I shouldn’t bring it. One guy told me that nice guys are always the most valued winners in life. Giving back the jacket does not prove that I’m weak but still shows how good natured I am. He told me that if Mara had to tell her friends this story, the only thing she would be able to say is “oh my god, my freakin Ex was at the party. Ugh, I hate him so much; he even gave me back my jacket that I asked for.” She would be at a loss, there’s nothing bad she can say to her friends about me. On another note he also reminded me that there’s no reason why I should keep the jacket in the house. But the best advice that helped me decided on what to do next came from this simple strategy. Do not give her the jacket voluntarily; instead wait until she asks for it. I then would have to pretend I had forgotten where it is and then realize that I did bring it. “Agh yes, I think I did put it in the trunk of my car. Let me double check to see that it’s there.” This is what gives me power! On the other hand if I would instantly give her the jacket without her bringing up the subject, it would show how weak I am and how I still am thinking about her.
The next day had arrived. I got ready, grabbed the jacket, and carelessly threw it into the trunk of my car. I had brought along an Asian friend of mine that Chad and Mara knew. He gave me comfort and extra courage to face my ex at the party. We were the first to arrive at Chad’s house, not including the fact that Chad’s girlfriend was already there from the night before. We sat around the TV watching some clips on Youtube and then I suggested we watch a movie I had brought. It was a documentary called “Indie Game: The Movie”. It’s about independent game developers and the struggles they go through to get their games out on the market. It’s very emotionally gripping and dramatic. So much so, that it made me tear up in various parts. I have started to notice that there are many strange moments where I would start crying when watching sad or dramatic films. Sometimes the scenes that make me cry aren’t even supposed to make the audience sad but it hurts me somehow. I feel like this started to happen because of the issues I have mentally about my bad relationships and not completely because of the films themselves. Whatever the case may be, this one in particularly really struck my nerves but I figured since it’s just the 3 of us and were all gamers, that my friends would appreciate the film. I didn’t count the 4th person, Chads girlfriends, as part of the group and this was rightfully so because at the end of the movie she expressed how incredibly boring the film was. The reason why I’m going into so many details with this documentary is because during the middle of the movie, the rest of his friends showed up for the party and this included Mara.
TO BE CONTINUED: Part 2